Does marriage stop a woman’s dreams? My story, By Oreva Godwin 

There is no direct answer to this question. It’s a yes and no answer. Marriage can help you make your dreams come true and marriage can destroy your dreams.

It all depends on the partner you choose for yourself. Marriage is not a joke, especially for a woman who has dreams. It’s not just about marrying a wealthy man that will turn you to a glorified housewife or impose his own dreams on you. It’s all about marrying a true support system, that believes in your dreams and willing to support and invest in your dreams.

If you are a lady and you are not career driven, and your only dream is to live a luxurious life, without working for it and just bear children, then just picking a wealthy husband to lord
over you and provide for you is an okay choice.

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Now, to the career driven ladies, it’s okay to be selective. Yes, they are telling you time waits for no one, but do you know a wrong marriage can get you close to your grave? A life with no purpose is like being empty deep inside, worst seeing young ladies actualizing their purpose. That same dream and purpose you had. It’s rather depressing and can turn you into a bitter woman in marriage.

I have told stories about other people. Perhaps, it’s time to tell mine. I’m a 31 year old lady and unmarried (oh yes, I know in your mind, you think I’m getting old, and need to get married). Hmm. Typical African thought. A lady in her 30s is old and must rush into marriage before it is too late. But when a lady in her 30s dies, we exclaim and say, “she is too young, too young to die”. So take a chill pill Africans.

Three years ago, I met a young man, very handsome and has all the physical looks I want in a man: tall, dark, well toned. Who no like better thing?. I went to a fruit stand and we met and exchanged contacts. He later called me up and we arranged to go out on a date.

During our date, we started engaging in deep conversations and he asked what my dreams were? And I listed them out and told him this was part of the reason for relocating to my new location. To chase my dreams. And he acted and sounded impressed. Of course, I asked of his dreams and he told me. Unknown to me bro just said what I wanted to hear, so I could feel we were a perfect match.

So, after the first date, we agreed to be friends and see if we were compatible. We maintained the friendship for almost three months. No sex. Just pure friendship. On his birthday, he took me out. We went clubbing. I met his friends and his boss who happened to have an eye for me and told him he liked me. The boss wanted us introduced, which got him upset. I respectfully declined the looks his boss was sending my way.

The birthday boy was in a mess that night and felt his boss would take me from him. So we left early. He drove me to his place and there he knelt down and asked me to officially be his girlfriend.

I blushed. Yes, African babes blush. And I accepted and we started dating. Three months after, he proposed and introduced me to his family. Then we had an introduction. But I felt it was pretty too fast. He already arranged that we wed in four months. Then I started having doubts.

After the introduction, he started showing his true colour; he policed and began to exhibit signs of wanting to control me. Whenever I set out to go for my business, he would ask me not to go. That I should stay at home. He even mocked that the profit from the business was small and inconsequential.

Imagine my supposed future partner trying to belittle my business and insisting he will give me money in place of the profit I was making . Just to make me stay at home. Mind you, I lived alone and not with him. It was a constant source of quarrels.

One day, an uncle, who has influence in the political arena, came into town and I had to go see him and discuss my ambition with him. My darling fiancee said I should not step out of the house. He said, once we got married, he will connect me to his big friends in politics and that they would respect me more when he introduced me as his wife.

I stubbornly went ahead and met with my uncle. When I came back to my house, it was an angry man I met waiting for me in the car, parked in front of my compound. A heated argument ensued. One day, I thought to myself, what made me feel the guy would let me chase my dreams? What if he married me and controls me and kills my dreams and imposes his own dreams on me? So I told him, you met me single, saw how goal driven I am, how hardworking I can be and how intelligent and creative my mind works. I reminded him that that was what attracted him to me: not just my beauty. I was very frank that these virtues that he saw made him choose to marry me. So why attempt to kill the fire in me?

I had a mental breakdown, chronic migraine, no peace, and endless drama within me. I was desperate for peace, desperate to be in my own space, desperate to get back my happiness and sanity. I had all these before I met him. But I had the most support from my family. The support any woman could dream of, which helped me heal and realized I made the right decision.

I called off the wedding two months to our planned wedding date. I told my close friends that the marriage was off. Luckily I did not post the wedding on social media. So it was easier to make the decision. Was it hard? Yes, but was it needed? Yes.

Now, I’m more focused on chasing my dreams, fulfilling my purpose; not sitting at home, waiting for a supposed husband. I have since realized that it’s my Creator’s responsibility to match make me, while mine is to fulfill purpose on earth.

Any man will be more than lucky to have me as his wife, because I’m resourceful and can multitask. Everyday I find new potentials in me. Three years after, I have discovered a lot of hidden talents in me. I have the freedom to meet great and amazing people, people who see the fire and talents in me and bring them to my notice. These people believe in me. This would never have happened, if I had married the young man.

My advice. Never marry a man, that doesn’t believe in your dreams . Never marry a man with trust issues, because you can’t chase your dreams by staying at home and not meeting people. You need people to grow and you need a partner that can trust you enough to let you meet people that can actualize your potentials. An insecure man is a ticking time bomb.

Is it difficult to pursue your purpose on earth in marriage and explain your dreams to your partner? When he says no, it’s very depressing, right? That’s why it’s good to realise what you want in life. Find your direction before you say I do.

Never marry a man who is intimidated by a successful woman. You are only digging your grave. There are no rules that a man must earn more than a woman. A woman with dreams and aspirations, will feel empty and dead inside when she does not fulfil her purpose. It’s better to try and fail, than not to try at all.

I say this. Find yourself before marriage. Set your goals right before you say I do. Not everybody is lucky to marry a man that will encourage his wife and push her to chase her dreams. So you have to work for your dreams.

Pausing your dreams to build a home is dangerous. Once you become a mother, everything changes. Your focus is now on your kids. The unending and exhausting job of a mother can kill your dreams, except you are lucky to marry a man that will encourage you, spend more time with the kids when you are unavailable, chasing your dreams.

Women should note that successful and career driven women are getting married now. They are getting more hooked than women with no purpose. Men are now appreciating women that have something to offer. You gain more respect as a woman, with her own money and treasure. Will it stop the men from cheating on you? No. But, will they respect you and try to treat you right? Yes.

Just marry right and see how your dreams will come true. Chase that dream. Not because of you, but because of your children. Let them say, “my mom is my inspiration, my role model”. Be that role model to your kids and not your kids making strangers their role models.

● First published in The Southerner newspaper of
Friday, February 7, 2025.